Entry Number One.

Okay. So this is my brand new xanga. I had one before but due to lack of interest, the development of Myspace, and and all sorts of other things, I deleted it. Now I’m back. 

I doubt you’ll see any improvement over my old one.  I do prefer my own blog that I created: Veins of Glass. 

That’s why

I’m going to just copy and paste my postings from there, to here. 

Here’s my most recent ones.  Just to get you all up to date.


Tuesday, 16 September 2008
.:You Left a Hole Where My Heart Should Be:.
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows by Brand new
Topic: Literature

Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but as I was reading New Moon, the second book in the Twilight series, Breath by Breaking Benjamin kept playing in my head.

If you’ve never read it, but plan to, I’d suggest not reading on.  I wouldn’t want to ruin anything! 

 

When Edward leaves Bella, she describes the pain and emptiness she feels without him as a gaping hole in her chest.  Whenever someone mentions his name, his family, or anything that reminds her of him, she has to cross her arms over her chest.

This happens a lot of course, throughout the story.  But I had only noticed it in one particular scene. 
“Breathing started to get more difficult–not because of exertion, but because I was having trouble with the stupid hole in my chest again.  I kept my arms tight around my torso and tried to banish the ache from my thoughts.”
And all that I could think about was:
“You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be.”

It fit so perfectly, I wrote the lyrics in the margin of the page. 

Later on, I thought about the rest of the chorus from the song.
“You’ve got to fight just to make it through.  Because I will be the death of you.”
And it kind of made me think of how Edward says “Damn it Bella, You’ll be the death of me, I swear you will.”

But I think, now, I’m just being silly/nerd/obsessed – whatever you want to call it.

Anyway.

Bella turns to a friend, Jacob to help ease her pain.  She felt that this friend was clogging the gaping hole because she didn’t feel alone when she was with him. 

I think the portrayal of lonliness is very real.  It’s pretty dead on, actually.  The feeling of losing love is unlike any other. 
It really does feel like a big hole in your chest.  Really, it could be a big hole anywhere. It is just the constant feeling that something is missing. 
I too have felt the hole in my chest, where my heart should be. 

But my friends are always there to help fill that hole so that I may keep breathing.

 

♥Jessi


Monday, 22 September 2008
.:Return to the Self-Loathing:.
Mood:  chillin’
Now Playing: Here I am to Worship by Tim Hughes
Topic: Random
I don’t think I could really type out anything of real interest right now, 
so here’s just a bunch of random stuffs.
 
Return to the Self-Loathing by Mest
sick of the way i am feeling.

waking up watching myself slipping.
should i just take out my eyes?
no longer want them for this life.
acting strong only on the outside.
hiding shame and pain on the inside.
i’ve tried to block my mind of this and pretend is doesn’t exist.
loosing my mind once again.
stranding my thoughts (no matter what i said).
sleepless nights staring at the ceiling.
sanity running on empty.
try to block my mind of this and pretend it doesn’t exist.
loosing my mind once again.
stranding my thoughts (no matter what i said).
taken for granted again.
stranding my thoughts no matter what i said.
loosing my mind again.
stranded my thoughts no matter what i said.
loosing my mind once again.
stranding my thoughts no matter what i said.

 

 

Buhlud.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yAkBSrMk0

 

Twilight Music Video – (The Howling by Within Temptation)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_vF39PHyUE
 

The Howling by Within Temptation
We’ve been seeing what you wanted, got us cornered right now
Fallen asleep from our vanity, might cost us our lives
I hear they’re getting closer
Their howls are sending chills down my spine
And time is running out now
They’re coming down the hills from behind
When we start killing It’s all coming down right now
From the nightmare we’ve created, I want to be awakened somehow
(I want to be awakened right now)

When we start killing it all will be falling down
From the Hell that we’re in
All we are is fading away
When we start killing…
We’ve been searching all night long but there’s no trace to be found 
It’s like they all have just vanished but I know they’re around 
I feel they’re getting closer 
Their howls are sending chills down my spine 
And time is running out now 
They’re coming down the hills from behind 
When we start killing 
It’s all coming down right now 
From the nightmare we’ve created 
I want to be awakened somehow  
When we start killing it all will be falling down 
From the Hell that we’re in 
All we are is fading away 
When we start killing… 
When we start killing…  
I feel they’re getting closer 
Their howls are sending chills down my spine 
And time is running out now 
They’re coming down the hills from behind  
The sun is rising The screams have gone
Too many have fallen 
Few still stand tall Is this the ending of what we’ve begun? 
Will we remember what we’ve done wrong?  
When we start killing
It’s all coming down right now 
From the nightmare we’ve created
I want to be awakened somehow  
When we start killing it all will be falling down 
From the Hell that we’re in 
All we are is fading away 
When we start killing… 
When we start killing… 
When we start killing…

The Fast Food Fairies Guild website
(I made it)
http://fastfoodfairies.tripod.com 

I had a bunch of Twilight relate pictures and icons and such that I wanted to add, but the HTML editor of this page is being lame and I can’t put them on here without it.  So nevermind. 

♥Jessi

 


Monday, 6 October 2008
.:Somebody Shake Me Because I, I Must Be Sleeping:.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: So Far Away by Staind
Topic: Life

Do you ever watch a movie in which the main character must overcome so many obstacles in order to get what he or she wants? 
Do you sit and watch, sometimes horrified at the things that are happening?  You sit and stare at the flashing screen and just become so frustrated that all these bad things are happening to the character, and there is nothing you can do about it.  All you can do is sit and watch and hope that it gets better.

But what if it wasn’t a movie you were watching…  what if it was your own life?

What if you had to sit there and watch yourself endure all that pain and you couldn’t stop it.  In your head you are screaming, punching the walls, crying out in frustration… just wishing it would stop, or that there was at least a way to change it.  But in real life, you just floated along with the rest of life, trying to pretend that you aren’t really screaming on the inside. 

Do you ever wake up from a dream that you didn’t want to have?  You saw it all so clearly, as if it was really happening.  All the events seemed logical, the location so familiar.  The whole time, though, you realized you must be dreaming and anticipated waking up soon. 

And then you finally do.  Relieved.  It was only a dream.  It wasn’t real.  It seemed so real, but there was no reason to be afraid anymore – it was only a dream. 

Then you remember… it’s not only a dream.
You just had a dream about something real.

Something you wanted to escape, but it followed you into your dreams anyway.

What do you do?
Do you wait for the movie to be over and hope it has a happy ending? Or do you turn it off?
Do you ignore the dreams? Or do you try not to sleep?

Sometimes, it isn’t that easy.

♥Jessi

 


Monday, 13 October 2008
.:My Eyes Are Open Wide, By The Way, I Made it Through The Day:.
Mood:  chillin’
Topic: Music & Lyrics

A Recipe For Jessi’s Lullaby

Recently, I’ve been having troubles sleeping.  Normally, a dark room and complete silence does the trick.  But lately, it takes a few hours before I can finally drift off to sleep.  Even so, I don’t like my dreams.  I’ve been fairly restless.  So what do I do? Music is the answer to just about everything.  I’ve created a playlist on my Zune. I play it ever so softly on my computer (which is across the room) while I try to sleep, as background music. It helps. I dream still, but not as often and I wake up feeling a little better.  What does this playlist consist of? Music I don’t usually listen to on a normal day.  Instrumentals.  Things without lyrics.  I find that if I try to play soft music with beautiful lyrics, I concentrate too hard on them to fall asleep.  So.  God Module.  Yes, it’s techno.  Yes, there are lyrics.  But the singer whispers them along with the rythm of the music.  The techno music is so repetetive and the whispers are so relaxing it lulls me to sleep.  Apocalyptica.  Beautiful cello instrumental covers of my favorite Metallica songs such as Nothing Else Matters, Fade to Black, and One.  And of course their own original songs.  I don’t think I’d need to explain further how it helps.  Various Instrumental songs from my favorite artists.  Most of them are very calm versions of the rest of their songs and it relaxs me.  I just can’t go wrong with score from Labyrinth.  Calming, relaxing music from my favorite movie – what’s better than that?  And my playlist wouldn’t be complete without Bella’s Lullaby, a song composed for the movie Twilight.  It is supposed to be what Edward’s lullaby for Bella would sound like if it was real.  And it does not disappoint.  It is the most beautiful, relaxing song I’ve ever heard. 

Why does all this matter to you? I don’t know. It probably doesn’t.  I just felt like writing and I really didn’t know what to write about.  Why not music?

♥Jessi


So that’s it.  That’s the most recent few in the order of oldest to newest. From now on my entries will only contain one Veins of Glass entry at a time. 

Thoughts?

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