Veins of Glass Entry – 2/4/09

Wednesday, 4 February 2009
.:Take Me Away, and Take Me Farther:.
Mood:  cool
Topic: Life

Never too late for New Year’s resolutions.

In my life, I have always been so dependant on others.  I have always needed my family, my friends, a significant other to keep me happy.  I have also always tried not to be that way, at least when it comes to relying on my family.  I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to be the pain in the ass.  Even as I rely less on my parents, I still rely on my friends and the nagging thought that it is essential for me to have a boyfriend. 

I don’t want it anymore. 

In the past, I have not done well when the people I’ve become dependant on end up leaving me. 

So I’m not saying that I want to shut everyone out by any means.  I want to learn to not need them.  Sure I want them.  But I don’t want to need them anymore.  And for those who have left me alone, I certainly don’t want them.  And as for a boyfriend? I’m done looking.  I don’t want to need one either.  If he finds me, then great, but I don’t think that love has anything left for me right now.

The thought of loneliness kills me.  The emptiness, the nothingness… it’s frightening and cold.  Something I cannot handle.  But maybe, if I was more independant, I wouldn’t feel so alone when bad things happen. 

That’s why I resolve to be independant. To stand on my own when I need to and to surround myself with good company when I want to. 

β™₯Jessi

Thoughts?

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