My emotions have this irritating tendicy to fluctuate between “okay” and “low” without warning. I’ve been living a majority of this year convinced that I was stuck in an infinite loop of “okay” and I accepted it. I was willing to accept this because the previous year I was stuck in the infinite loop of “low” and I didn’t think there was any way out of it. Those of you who know me personally, know that I wasn’t doing too well. You can say what I want about how I was feeling, how I was reacting. But I was going through one of the hardest times I ever had to deal with. It’s odd for me to say that as there’s so many people in my life who have seen worse things, who’ve had bigger worries. But for me, this was it. It was because everytime I started to progress, everytime I was ready to get back up on my feet, something would trip me and knock me right back on the ground again.
When the one you love ends the relationship you have with them, a pain follows… one that is not unlike the pain you feel when you lose a loved one. A part of you dies. Your heart shatters to millions of pieces and it feels like there is no one around but you to pick them up. But of course, you’re too emotionally drained to try and pick them up and put them back together. I’ve been lucky. I’ve been blessed. I have truly wonderful and amazing friends who have been so kind as to pick the pieces up and bring them to me so that I may slowly but surely put myself together again. I am certain I’d still be shattered without them.
Ultimately, I can stand up again. I still stumble at times, but we’re all pretty clumsy. But I always get this stomach-knotting feeling that there is something missing. A piece of my heart that seemed to have disappeared when it shattered. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to find this missing shard? It’s not something I can ask my friends to search for. It’s something I have to find on my own. I can only find it by taking a risk – one that I’d been contemplating secretly (for the most part) on and off for the past two years. I tell myself I’m going to do it. I tell Xanga I’m going to do it, I tell my friends I’m going to do it. But will I?
I am almost convinced that I will.
But suddenly I see all these signs telling me that it isn’t meant to be. Which almost breaks my heart, with all the time I’ve spent thinking about it… thinking about him. My only personal solution to this is that only time will tell. I can stick to that for now, but for how long?
In the meantime, I have to remind myself to stop concentrating on the bad signs because then I will never work up the nerve to say what needs to be said.
All I’m doing is causing myself more stress, by dwelling on it. Stress that doesn’t need to be added to the stress I already have from work, upcoming classes, a sick guinea pig, and mainly the worry of what my future is going to look like.
Because of said stress and my intolerance for being alone, I have recently gone from “okay” back to “low”.