I have about a billion thoughts jumbled in my head. It’s everything. And it’s nothing. All at the same time. I couldn’t fall asleep easily last night and woke up feeling like a train hit me. And I couldn’t remember anything I was tossing and turning over. What was keeping me awake last night? I really don’t know. It’s as though it was all erased as soon as I finally did fall asleep.
I went to bed as soon as I got home from work today. I was in bed for 3 and a half hours and I don’t think I actually caught up on any missed sleep because I was thinking again. My mind has been wandering non-stop and sometimes the things running through my head make no sense. What I mean is, I’m wondering what made me start thinking of some of these things in the first place.
I was thinking of my job and how it’s changed me. When I first started working there, I wanted to do a good job. I wanted to be friendly and happy and love my job despite my fear of people. After with dealing with people for so long, it’s changed my views on humanity.
I used to be a complicated person. I hated being alone but I was shy and fragile so I was scared of meeting new people. I had my friends and they were my security blanket and I did not want to leave my comfort zone. When I started college, I broke out of that shell. However, I’m back to having problems with meeting new people because now I automatically assume that person is an asshole. Because that’s how I’ve trained myself to be due to the lack of respect I’m shown at my job. I will greet the person with the assumption that they are going to be rude until they surprise me by being pleasant.
It’s not the way I want to live my life because I am still the person who is afraid of being alone that I’ve always been. I don’t want to end up being the bitter old lady who lives by herself with 27 cats.
All in all, I don’t like how things are going right now. Like I said, there are a billion things running through my head all at once whether they matter or not. Petty things like, what do I want for Christmas so my mom stops asking me for a list? Or much bigger things like, will I ever muster up the guts to tell him how I feel? Past things like how I was always nervous for no real reason, which thinking about gives me the knots in my stomach and the shakes in my hands all over again. Or future things, like if I’m ever actually going to get out of this dump and find a real job so I can start living my life.
I blame myself for all the things I let myself worry about. Not only because I let myself worry about them to begin with, but because I am sitting here typing long, meaningless blogs about them instead of doing something about it. Maybe I’m still a complicated person. I think I put more stress on myself than I really need to for some reason. It makes me tired. Just tired.
This post makes no sense, I apologize.
Have a good night.