It’s honesty night. Everything I am about to tell you, is 100% true, with the exception of names of certain people.
If you are taking the time to read this, I applaud you. I am sure it’s going to get confusing at times. Or boring. Or dumb. It’s going to probably become lengthy and it’s going to have you wondering why I am even thinking of some of the things I mention. But I can promise you this. It’s going to be honest.
The reason I even bring this up is mostly because of the dream I had last night. I know I’ve mentioned before that I rarely remember dreams anymore. Details anyway, I can tell you whether or not the dream was pleasant if I can even remember having one at all. Sometimes I can tell you who or what it was about. And the dream I had last night was about someone I haven’t talked to in months, and don’t ever want to talk to again. It made me angry, to even see his face in this dream and put me in a unpleasant mood for the rest of the day.
I dated “Tom” for three years. He was my high school sweetheart and he promised me everything. He promised me a future with him. Basically, he promised me forever. He was my first real boyfriend, my first kiss, my first “time”, and my first love. Things were perfect until I noticed that he was starting to act differently towards me. He didn’t treat me the same as he did when our relationship was new. It was almost as though he was indifferent to me. I felt he was never happy to see me anymore and I feared he didn’t love me anymore. Whenever I confronted him about my worries, it’d turn into an argument but I constantly endured it. Although you’d think I would have seen it coming, I was blindsided when he dumped me. And the worst part was, he did not actually have a reason for breaking up with me.
I hadn’t really realized until after it was all over how he isolated me from my friends and family. I didn’t notice how much my life revolved around him until I no longer talked to him every night before bed, or visited him after school on Mondays. Even though I had plenty of people to turn to, plenty of shoulders to cry on, the time I spent trying to move on was the darkest, loneliest, period of my life.
I talked to him on the internet every once in awhile until he found a new girlfriend, who was apparently uncomfortable with me talking to him. It was hurtful to me, that he’d honor her wish over mine because I thought I still meant something to him and so we didn’t talk very much after that. About a year or so later, his brother got in touch with me to explain that their grandfather had passed away and that he would like if I could make it to the wake. Which, of course, I did.
After that, “Tom” and I started talking again. Frequently. It wasn’t long before he began telling me all the things I had hoped to hear a long time ago. And like a fool, I ate it up. Let me put this story on pause for a moment to say this. At this time I had been through so much, that I was at a point where I knew I did not need him. When I finally got over him, I started a relationship with my friend “Rob”. And I can say that I never felt as strongly about “Tom” in the three years I spent with him as I did in the 8 months with “Rob”. Ultimately, he ended up with someone I considered to be one of my best friends. I was hurt for awhile. I’m over it now because I am well aware that you can’t help you have feelings for. And at the time that “Tom” and I started talking again, I was beginning to get over it. The only problem was, I was beginning to tire of being alone. So I told him that I was willing to try again. I changed over the time we spent apart and I thought I’d be able to make it work. The problem was, he didn’t. He is still the same jerk that he became towards the end of our relationship. He broke up with the girl he was with (we’re going to call her “Amy”), and met up with me, where I let my sexual frustration get the better of me. I think you can guess what I mean by that. That night, he explained to “Amy” what happened between us. Exept he lied to her, telling her that it almost happened until he realized how much he missed her and wanted her back. He then proceeded to block me from all contact. Althought it was my own stupidity that led me to that situation, I still couldn’t help but feel used. I was hurt, but mostly I was angry. Angry at him for lying to me again, and angry at myself for believing him. I haven’t spoken to him since. I’ve ignored every pathetic attempt at an apology he’s ever sent me. And I don’t plan to talk to him again. The fact that I dreamt about him was irritating to me, but it got me thinking back to all we’d been through. Looking back, I should have been the one to break up with him first because he never treated me well. He lied to me, he isolated me from people who are important to me, and he was jealous. I will not deny, by any means, that I am the jealous type. He established closeness via the internet with girls he barely knew and it made me uncomfortable. But, I kind of believe I was justified in that feeling because he seemed to tell them things that he would not talk about with me. However, he became annoyed with my closeness with my friend “Mike” because I spent a lot of time with him at school and he would constantly make unfair comments about him. Judging by my current feelings for “Mike”, he was probably right to be uncomfortable, but I would have never done anything to hurt him the way he did to me. And I never said anything rude about the girls he was friends with. It seemed hypocritical of him, that he could have these girl friends but it was wrong of me to hang out with “Mike”.
I don’t know why I thought about this as much as I did… but those are the things that I needed to say about all I’ve been through. They don’t need to be brought up again.
Hopefully I’ll sleep better tonight. And hopefully I won’t have to think about any of this ever again.
“This means war. Every line is about who I don’t want to write about anymore. I hope you come down with something they can’t diagnose; don’t have the cure for…” – Brand New, “Okay I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don’t”