.:I’ll Never Write a Song. Won’t Even Sing Along:.

It’s time for another honesty blog.  Remember my last one? It was about “Tom”  but I mentioned my friend “Mike.”  I’m gonna tell you about “Mike.” 

At my first year in college, he was a mutual friend of my best friend.  I don’t really remember when we met or how we became friends, but we spent a lot of time together at school.  I could tell it made my boyfriend at the time, “Tom” kind of uncomfortable, since he would keep saying all sorts of unfair things about him.  He did not like my new friendship, but I didn’t care.  It’s not like he didn’t have friends I didn’t like anyway.  So I hung out with “Mike” a lot.  He was always there for me when I had a problem with “Tom” and I talked to him about everything.  I began to feel like maybe I had a thing for him.  But I didn’t want to be that girl. The one who cheats or even has feelings for someone else while in a committed relationship so I tried to ignore it. 
“Mike” started dating this girl and I felt the hint of jealousy, but other than that I thought I was doing a good job of pushing those feelings away.  Then, he went out of state for awhile.  Shortly after that, “Tom” and I broke up. 
I wrote to “Mike” and I missed him, but I still had to push those feelings away.  He had a girlfriend, after all. 

When he came back, I was so excited.  For a little while it was like old times, not just with me and him but with the group of us that always hung out with him.  Then he kind of started to disappear.  He was busy with his girlfriend a lot, and she didn’t exactly live around the corner.  It was okay though.  I had a new relationship with my friend from work, “Rob.”  And things were really great with him.  So I was busy hanging out with him and didn’t really think about “Mike” anymore.  “Rob” and I broke up and a lot happened, but “Mike” was kind of just… gone.  I only saw him in passing at school a couple times, and it was never enough time for me to talk about what was going on with me. 

Over the summer, “Mike” and his girlfriend broke up.  And he started to come around again.  It was once again, like old times.  And spending all that time with him, even in group settings, made me remember the feelings I had for him years ago.  Seriously, years ago.  All this was over like a two year span.  But, those feelings came back.  And I really liked being around him.  I decided that it was too soon to say anything and that I’d give him time to get over the relationship he was just in. 
Well, I waited a long time.  And last night, I finally told him that I like him.  It was something that needed to be done, whether he felt the same way or not. I at least needed to get it out in the open.  And so I did. 
He told me he was flattered but he saw me as a friend.  He also said he isn’t sure where his life is going so he isn’t ready for any sort of commitment. I understand,  but it still hurts.  He was very honest with me and didn’t give me any sort of “maybe” to hold on to, which I appreciate more than anything.  Because I am the type of person to hold on to the “maybe” rather than move on.  So even if there is a possibility of something happening in the future, then it will happen.  But I don’t need to torture myself waiting for it to.  I can try not think of him, and try to move on.
But this really, really sucks.
Not only that, I am just so tired of having my heart broken.  And I’m not going to hold this against him. I’m not angry at him and I want to stay friends with him because I do like being around him.  He was really nice about it and everything, so I’m not upset with him.

But that doesn’t change the fact that this hurts, and I want to just give up on guys. 

So the song of the week pretty much describes that feeling, although this song kinda makes the dude look like the bad guy. Which I promise is not the case here.   Anyway, the song is by Lady Gaga, of all people.  “Speechless”

Song of the Week

Hooow?
Haaaa-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?
Wow

I can’t believe what you said to me
Last night, we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can’t believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I’ll never talk again
Oh boy you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless, so speechless

And I’ll never love again,
Oh boy you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless, so speechless

I can’t believe how you slurred at me
With your half-wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
All of my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can’t believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He’s gonna get you and after he’s through
There’s gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it’s complicated
But I’m a loser in love so baby
Raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I’ll never talk again
Oh boy you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless so speechless

And I’ll never love again,
Oh friend you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless, so speechless

H-ooow?
H-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?

H-ooow?
H-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?

And after all the drinks and bars that we’ve been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and the girls that we’ve been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?
If I promise boy to you

That I’ll never talk again
And I’ll never love again
I’ll never write a song
Won’t even sing along
I’ll never love again

H-ooow?

So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless

Will you ever talk again?
Oh boy, why you so speechless?
You’ve left me speechless so speechless

Some men may follow me
But you choose any girl but me
Why you so speechless? Oh oh ohhhh


So that’s it. 
I’m feeling pretty crappy right now, but I guess I’ll get over it. 

♥Jessi Michelle

3 thoughts on “.:I’ll Never Write a Song. Won’t Even Sing Along:.

  1. Tebor says:

    I’m so sorry to hear!  I know these are never the outcomes we are hoping for, but in the long run, I do believe that acting on it and knowing is better than living in ignorance. I’m glad you were finally able to tell him and you should be proud you did. I hope you two do remain friends.I know exactly how you feel about getting heartbroken all the time. It is a horrible feeling, one of the worst there is. For awhile you may dwell in it, but it is essential not to get lost in it. I’m probably the last person who should say that since that seems to be exactly what I’m doing… But, seriously it’s important not to get hung up on what you may think is wrong with you and instead focus on the friendships you have and what that means for other people. That’s the best medicine to this affliction.As for giving up on guys, you might have noticed on the banner of my blog reads that I’ve sworn off girls since 2004… That hasn’t exactly helped me any. 

  2. @Tebor – Thanks so much for your words and support.  At the moment, not dwelling on it is easier said than done. But I suppose I’ll feel better about it in time.  It’s really hard not to wonder why, though. You know?  Why me, or in this case, why NOT me?   I probably won’t give up on guys, but I really, really hope that “the one” will be worth all the pain I have to go through to find him, if he exists.

  3. Wow. Was re-reading some old entries. It’s weird to think back on this moment in my life because the person I was talking about in this blog is married now. 

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