.:Just Freak Out, Let it Go:.

I decided to be a little impatient and take out my helix piercing early.  They said 8 to 12 weeks for healing time.  It’s been about 8 weeks. I was going to wait the whole 12, but I really wanted to wear the cute hoop I bought for it and it looks like it’s been healing well. 

The hoop is almost impossible to close in the back… so I guess that was pointless. I decided on just a clear ball stud I had.  Oh well. Lesson learned.

I get to back to the person who pierced my tragus at the end of this month so she can take the captive bead ring out.  I’m not as anxious about that because I never bought any new jewelry for that one.  The dilemma here is, I really like the captive bead rings.  But you can’t take those out without piercing pliers.  Which I don’t have, nor do I have the knowledge of how to use them properly.  And I like to change my earrings often. Granted, I’ll probably change that one less often, but I would like jewelry that I can remove myself.  I guess I’ll be wearing studs there for awhile. Or maybe a horseshoe barbell. 

Anyway.  I ramble.

Yesterday I was thinking about recent situations and for some reason I was convinced that “Mike” said exactly what I said he would in something I wrote.  So I looked through my freewriting notebook for it.  I had found it here on my laptop but it was the revised version that Bob helped me write.  (Bob is “Rob” from my first honesty blog, I’ll admit)  I finally found it in my notebook but I was wrong, it wasn’t exact.  I continued flipping through my notebook only to realize that some of the stuff I wrote was not all that bad. It’s not good. But it’s definitely not bad.  On deviantart, a website that I am a member of, there was a 100 themes project going around.  I kind of wanted to be a part of it. So I took a notebook and wrote the name of each theme at the top of each page.  I use the rest of the pages for whatever else.  Anyway, I used to freewrite about some of the themes.  I stopped writing because I don’t think I’m all that good and my heart isn’t in it anymore.  But I think I want to start filling up the pages again. 

I want to post some of the good, or at least decent, ones. 

First, here’s the one I was talking about that Bob helped me write, and it is the revised version not the original (there’s not too much of a difference).   It doesn’t have a date on it, but I know it’s several years old.  It’s about three separate men who were in my life at the time.  The first one being “Tom”, the second one was a creep who was convince he loved me after just three weeks, and the last one was “Mike”. 

**
Theme #17 – Questioning.
“Anonymity”
There’s so much I’d want to say
if I could stand to say it:

“I still love you,
I feel like I need you,
and I hate you for making me feel this way”

So what’s stopping me?
The fear of what you‘d say:

“Get out of my life, I am happy now without you. 
Leaving you was not a mistake;
I don’t need you.”

There’s so much I’d want to say
if I could stand to say it:

“This won’t work,
I feel like you’re suffocating me,
and I hate you for making me feel this way.”

So what’s stopping me?
The fear of what you‘d say:

“I’m meaningless now, I can’t live without you. 
I want to die;
Just kill me, why don’t you.”

There’s so much I’d want to say
if I could stand to say it:

“Could this ever work,
I feel like I like you,
and I hate you for making me feel this way. 

So what’s stopping me?
The fear of what you‘d say:

“That’s nice to say, but you’re just a friend
I don’t like you that way;
I have a girlfriend.”
**
And now the others.
**
Theme #4 – Light (12/7/06)
Light my dark path.
I am in need.
Light my dark path.
I want Your help.
Light my dark path. 
Show me You’re here…
for me.
Only Your light can save me…
from my dark path.
Only You can save me
from the person I have become.
The person without a faith.
Wandering in the dark.
Light my way with Your Word.
Light my way with Your Touch.
Give me Your Light. 
**
Theme #7 – Break Away (12/8/06)
Going to break away from you.
You’ll never let me breathe.
Have to break away from you.
You won’t let me leave.
I want to break away from you.
I have to learn to fly.
Need to break away from you.
You keep me from my sky. 
Break.
Away.
Break Away.
Away from you.
Away from this.
Break.
Run.
Flee.
Break Away.
Don’t close me in.
**
Theme #31 – Under The Rain
Under the fall of steady rain,
the black and white roses grow.
The thorns cause so much pain.
But I’ll never let it show.
There’s no color in this place.
I only see shades of gray.
This is the eternal chase,
that everything will be technicolor one day.
**
Theme #39 – Abandoned
Forever engraved in my heart;
never will you be forgotten.
Always deep in my thoughts.
Not to be let go.
**
Theme #44 – Dying
What a beautiful homicide.
What a wonderful murder.
You killed me so perfectly this time.
My heart won’t break if it has stopped beating.
My lungs won’t be so heavy, if I have stopped breathing.
**
Theme #70 – Annoyance
A jealous women.
An indifferent man.
The undeserving pair.
**
Theme #81 – Words
And these are the letters that I write.
These are the thoughts I think.
These are the words I speak.
(They don’t mean anything)
Scribbled on paper,
Or locked in my head.
And spoken aloud to others. 
But the don’t mean anything…
**
Theme #92 Drowning (12/8/06)
Why would you let me drown?
I thought you were my lifesaver.
(At least you said you were)
But now I’m drowning. Where are you now?
You are nowhere to be found.
Sinking.
Falling.
Lungs filling.
But you are not
saving
me.
Where is the surface?
I can’t reach it without your help.
But you will let me sink.
Just as all the others would.
I thought you were different.
I
was
wrong.
**

Now, I am well aware of how emo most of these are.  I have never once been able to write a happy poem.  The happiest one I’ve written mentions some sad themes.  It’s weird.  I can easily write about pain or sadness.  But happiness… nope. Ha. I’m a freak.  I’m also well aware that some of them seem unfinished.  That’s because they are.  Especially theme #70.  I was just kind of annoyed that “Tom” and “Amy” were together even though they were so wrong for each other, so I wrote that down but it didn’t go any further. 

Well anyway, I am going to bed in a bit. 

Have a good night.

♥Jessi Michelle

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