I’m Alive. For the Most Part.

Things have been pretty… everywhere… in my life lately. I apologize for the lack of updates though.

For awhile I wasn’t feeling like myself. Hell I don’t even know who “myself” is supposed to really be but all I know is myself and I were not getting along very well at all. My anxiety level was at an all time high and I couldn’t get in control of my emotions.
For seemingly no reason at all I would feel completely depressed at any given time.  It was really starting to wear on me.
A part of it was probably because I’d trip myself out thinking about all that was going wrong:
My grandmother has cancer, half my family thinks I don’t care, I have a shitty job that makes me more miserable than I can possibly express, I can’t sleep at night because of these fucking bed bugs, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life, and any slight problem makes me feel like I want to cry.

Overwhelmed much? I think so.

A couple weeks ago was a bit of a turning point. My grandma passed away sooner than expected which made for possibly the longest week of my life thus far.  It was hard, since she was my favorite (I know it’s wrong to choose favorites but she was) grandmother and I’m pretty sure most of my cousins agreed. It was a little easier knowing it was coming, getting to spend time with her, getting to say goodbye and such. But it still sucks and she’ll be greatly missed.
The hardest part really, was seeing my great grandmother (her mother) at the funeral. She lost her daughter and she was so devastated.  She kept crying and saying “my baby’s gone, my baby’s gone”. Quite possibly the saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed and I tear up just writing about it.
She’s doing a bit better now, bless her. 

Even though it hurts, it feels like the worst is over. Almost a relief. I’m happy she’s not hurting anymore because it was so hard seeing her like that.

Then last week, the bed I bought came in so James and I went to pick it up.  He spent the day helping me clean out my room, vacuum, spray top to bottom, and of course move the old bed out and the new one in.
 It was a long day and I know haven’t completely diminished the bed bug population but I have put the biggest dent in it yet and am determined to continue vacuuming, spraying, steaming, and cleaning on a regular basis until I have won.
I’m done with these little fuckers and it’s finally time to get rid of them once and for all.

As for my job, well I’m trying to find a new one. I’m done with customer service.  D-O-N-E.  I automatically assume almost everyone I meet is an asshole and it’s all because of working with the public.  I hate who I’ve become because of them and it’s time to leave.

And the anxiety, well, there’s not much I can do there but wait it out and be glad I have someone who always holds me when it does take over. 

But all in all, I’ve been feeling a bit more clear-headed than I have been over the last few months. And that’s a start.

♥Jessi Michelle

3 thoughts on “I’m Alive. For the Most Part.

  1. amateurprose says:

    Bed bugs? I had no idea those were even around anymore. Well, obviously they still exist, I just thought they were rare.Anxiety can be a bitch. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate too. That combined with working in customer service-a nightmare in itself- i’m sure you ARE a bit uptight.

  2. @amateurprose – Actually, bed bugs have been an epidemic in the last few years.  Commonly found in movie theaters, hotels, and even on clothes in stores that people have returned. They’re simply awful… wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. 

  3. lostcauseIam says:

    @xTwilightAlchemistX – That’s so terrible!!! How can you stand that????? I would go CRAZY!

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